reminding me of intra-comp... i think i tried my best, but it just wasnt enough... caz during case i totally screwed up everything... like srsly, i must be the one who pulled everyone down, like usual, im always the one, the hinderence, the loser in the team, causing everyone to lose... so why should i try to pursue this dream when i will just be more disappointed? everything somehow links to intra-comp... i bet if i wasnt in dactyl, if i wasnt hindering everyone during the case and footdrill blahblah, they could have achieved greater heights, they could have gotten better results... if thats the case, why should i hinder them anymore? why should i try to do my best in things when my best is still worse than anything and just burdens the team? why should i put in effort to study and sometimes memorise anything, when i will just blank out and fail the whole thing... putting in effort or not, i guess the results are still the same, so why duo ci yi ju?
i find no point to try anymore... caz i sux so much that actually trying would be hindering... doing anything would be just not bothered caz it was never significant in their lifes... i know doing good things just to be appreciated and commented on is a very fcuked up mindset... but sometimes in this 14 years... i felt like i was nvr accounted for as a person, always thrown to the side as waste... nvr commented on whatever i did... nvr taken as a person, but more of a speck of dust lying around, waiting to die... 14 years, it have been 14 years, and im srsly tired of trying so hard, caz no one cares anyway, even if you get smth good, they also dont give a damn, they just look away and laugh over smth else... im sick of crying over this too... theres no point anymore... i just a fcuked-up person living in my own fantasy hoping to achieve something, but never getting anything...
which links back to that call i guess.... that call, can change my life, its a matter of shame forever or not... i dunno... now after thinking through, i dont think i want to try for comp team... many reasons... i have been setting too high expectations of myself i think... like how is it possible for me to achieve so many dreams? expecting too much of myself would just make me more disappointed... like the papers 2day... i learnt my lessons...high expectations are good for goal-setting, but not actually realistic, and if you think about them too much, they would just hurt you when it hurts the most and keep on stabbing our weak spots, crumbling you to pieces and making you have no more confidence to stand up again... caz im just such a stupid loser, having expectations of myself that i can nvr reach, nvr achieving it, then crying over it... get it over and done with...
i guess if i do go for comp trials... i would just try my best, mug fa and do what i can do, but i already know the outcome, failure, crying, and broken dreams... then if i already know the hou guo, then why should i try in the first place? caz if i try or not... i would still not achieve anything in the end... so why try? maybe caz i want to at least do my best and try... as i told ppl during std 1 comp, and wrote in the vid... results dont matter, what matters the most is the process... through this comp trials, at least i would mug fa, learn new skills, and gain more knowledge and i guess that i already enough of profits, sometimes even better than getting in... so yeah ._. anw, hopes of me getting in is now negetive... or maybe they will realise how suck i am that they kick me out of sj.. great man...
But, through all this, i realised... comp trials... no way, at least i can participate in intra-comp, no matter how suck i am... im srsly looking forward to intra-comp trainings like shit now.. im hoping that there is everyday... and since this is like a blog that no one knows the link except for some random saya person stalking me... i srsly cant wait! blindfolded drills (: fa (: sgt hx's emo talks (: her teaching... omg... i srsly want to be in intra-comp team now.... omg -.- im going siao soon... and i realised how stressed i will be.... but intra-comp i wont (:... omg another dream just came to me -.- shit, high expectations again.., GET OUT OF MY LIFE. STOP RUINING IT -.-, anw i have intra-comp to look forward to, anw comp trial is going be fail and im gonna flunk it anyway so yup no point thinking and ranting over it i guess, caz that would just be having high expectations again and i would somehow cry over it one day... and maybe i would just disappoint myself again so much that i want to jump down a building... look on the bright side, more time spent together :D, coming to that point, i cant wait for intra-comp (daos comp trials) heeeeheee (:, somehow your my motivation now to somehow or other to achieve my dream, then that would be super massive... like whoa, i mean the new dream... haha no way am i saying this one, caz it would be the stupidest thing to do at this point of time, even for me to tell you... i would nvr say man.... caz if i do, it would nvr come true... caz you can make it come true, but im not capable, so yup... stop giving myself high expectations and just live life -.- or else i would just be crying for the rest of my sj life... nope, i want to pass out of sj in 2012, happy and contented...
but sometimes its just me i guess... i deem myself as fail (which i am), then i lose faith, this stops me from trying, restricting mysel, depriving and destroying my future i guess, maybe i should start a new beginning... start on a new path and try to do things in a different way... will this work? well, life's a risk, even if you know you might get killed when you go for a chalet while you are sleeping you still go... caz life is full of surprises and risks have to be taken... and this would be the riskiest one ever... to start over, to be a new person in life... great, i'll try... no guarantees...
//risks have to be taken, i dont want to lose you and the only way is to not get that, achieve that dream and i would be stressed, but happy that i am.... love hurts sometimes, especially burning love...
//go away, im not signing on...
i waited, i kept on waiting, my heart was beating very fast... it never came, i was still waiting and it never came, and when it did, i wasnt there to do it immidiately... i stoned... i freaked out.. i was happy... she cares (: but not about the things i thought she would... not exactly what i expected... but when i came back, my heart warmed (: yay!! ok LOL -puts on emoing mask-
