Wednesday, November 3, 2010
lol, just came back from class chalet... hmmm, afternoon went for comp trials, then errrr, went to nsrcc, went in then sit in corner play pokemon, wait for them to finish dinner, then play mahjong with jovan, darius and ke zhang... haha super epic lar, lost money though D:, kz pro lor, win all -.- haha, then kz helped me spam pokemon, beat misty and now in vermillion i think~ then we all got tired then go sleep lerh~ then i eel very weird not sleeping, so just lie down there lor -.-then kody didnt sleep whole night, he playing psp like siao... then i from 3-4+ i stoned on the floor like errr staring at the ceiling? then 4+ i sit up and stoned, then kz also woke up then he block nose, so i followed him out of the chalet go walk walk and buy hot milo... at 4+ am... LOL, quite nice lor~ errr, then went back, like quite a lot of ppl woke up, then we sat down there talk talk, then i took out my comp, did a bit of dactyl stuff, finished MOI, then starting to blast emo songs, haha, then everyone hear, damn nice mah (:, so a lot fell asleep, then i doing the dactyl stuff halfway, at 5 bah, finaaly fell asleep (: YAY, emo song ftw~ then everyone zonk out, then i suddenly woke up at 6+ =.=, fml man... then i continued doing the dactyl stuff... and then most people started to wake up, then we just pack up and check out at 10am, then supposedly have to stone till 2pm for the next chalet check-in, then they guys go strip at the pool -.-, then so me and cheryl go prp cycle lor~, then cycle cycle cycle, i saw yi hui there, then i think i damn tired so i bang into a lightpost -.- LOL, then i think i awake liao~, HAHA, then went back home, go fb see see blahblahblah then fell asleep in front of comp and woke up 1hr ago on the bed (: haha win (Y), i slept like 12hours? and i missed dinner D:, haiz... now, shall finish up moi and send to ma'am and err POLISH MY BOOTS for later's cca.. HAVENT MUG YET SIA. I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO THAT AT 9PM LAST NIGHT -.- oh ya and sry for the 11.11 convos for 2 nights D: hifff, too tired lerh...
but yup, this part should be censored and part of the other blog but yeah, its here so dont complain... but its not about sj anw -.- but sometimes i am happy to be leaving the past, and im happy to be leaving, caz in these 2 years, i never felt part of it before, i always felt im separated with a barrier, preventing me from going any closer... i feel like that everyday, and maybe i wanted to cry so badly yesterday in that corner under the staircase so much and maybe when i cried in the audi that day, i was not crying over my marks, but maybe i was crying caz i finally elt that they cared... but yeah, i never felt part of them... i was the only girl sleeping downstairs with the guys you know... and lets put it this way and straight, i never felt i was an important part of 2E, or not even a part at all and my existence would not make such a difference anyway... and i wanted to cry on the last day of school, but it was not possible caz i wan never part of them anyway, it always felt i went to school alone and lived my life alone and in my environment there was just these 35 other people, wandering around, changing everyday, caz i was never part of this class anyway, i was just a meaningless speck of dust in their lifes and maybe that was how i felt during chalet and yeah, i did cry a bit i guess, but not the point... its not the goodbyes that hurt, its the flashbacks that follows....
how i might be happy i left this crude world, but i always have a feeling it would be the same for the next 2 years and yup the other part of this at the other side i guess... but yeah, i was never part of the 2E family i guess, they can live happily with 35 people, they can live happily without me, so why do i still jiu can with them? just leave silently i guess, and maybe thats what i did yesterday, leave without a trace... im sorry, letting go of something so big like this is like putting my favourite teddy bear into the donation box, i'll miss it, a lot actually, but i know someone deserves this place in 2E more than me, not me, not this irritating speck of dust which like to use annoying sqigglys(~) but, at least a person who deserves it... caz i never deserved it.... i thought i cared for this, i thought i tried my best to get into this, but i was wrong, they were happy to get me out so why should i try to get myself back in... i should just give up and anyway, this 2 year journey already ended, it might have ended very badly, but at least its over and i would be able to go into a class in year 2011, with new people i guess, and maybe not get left out i guess... not to be ignored i guess and maybe not to be a nuisance anymore... im sorry 2E, i tried my best, but i failed, forgive me....fcuk im crying......
Not everything you have stays forever. but there are things you would be glad to fight or you to have them just a little bit longer. and just like the pic says, the truth is everyone is gonna hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering from... my heart was shattered by a lot of people, by why do i let a few people continuously break it so painfully, and still can stand up, maybe caz i feel like my heart was worth broken by you and maybe you were just the only reason im living here... and maybe i dont feel like im from 2E, sometimes i also dont feel part of the squad i guess.... actually i never felt part of anything before, caz i am always pulling the squad down, pulling my class down, pulling the house down and yup... so maybe if i werent there, they would have excelled, they would have been better, but i just cant be as good as them... i dont even deserve to be in sj i guess, maybe not to deserved to be in a house, at all, but just randomly dumped into one caz i was forced to... but i also pulled dactyl down for intra-comp... so yup, that how i fail i am, so why allow me to live and continue to be a hinderance in your lifes... and now how i wished, thati actually never got into comp trials... caz even before they select a team, during practice cases, im already pulling down the team... so how bad can i get? as much as i can i guess...
Its funny how we always set qualifications and expectations for the right person we love, while at the back of our minds, we know the person we truly love will always be the only exception... and yeah, the feeling of being left out is just not good i guess... i have been left out for 14 years of my life and i srsly dont like the feeling of that... 2day theres comp trials, hope something happens i guess, but yeah during chalet at nights it was a torture i guess, caz i was the only girl downstairs with like 5 other guys? caz i was left out i guess, i couldnt seem to fit in i guess, so ya lor, emoed down there... listened to emo songs and try to cry myself to sleep, luckily you were there i guess, you talked to me and actually cared for me... walked out to san xin too... quite nice i guess, at least you cared... could have died there, but yup, you were there, and you were great i guess... plus the smses, made me feel better i guess....
and maybe thats why im happy to have such people beside me... caz you guys mean a lot to me... caz you all are the motivation for me to go on... thks... everyone says just listen to your heart, but what if my heart doesnt even know the answer? i just want to go home i guess, home, into your arms.... into somewhere only i feel warmth, only i feel safe, please come back... dont leave me to die like this D:, i need you more than you think so D: the feeling of being daoed is not good i guess D:
//wishing i never was born, caz my heart, just be thinking of you, is killing me....
//i tried my best, but it was always not enough for you to see that i actually care a lot for you...
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
lol, just came back from class chalet... hmmm, afternoon went for comp trials, then errrr, went to nsrcc, went in then sit in corner play pokemon, wait for them to finish dinner, then play mahjong with jovan, darius and ke zhang... haha super epic lar, lost money though D:, kz pro lor, win all -.- haha, then kz helped me spam pokemon, beat misty and now in vermillion i think~ then we all got tired then go sleep lerh~ then i eel very weird not sleeping, so just lie down there lor -.-then kody didnt sleep whole night, he playing psp like siao... then i from 3-4+ i stoned on the floor like errr staring at the ceiling? then 4+ i sit up and stoned, then kz also woke up then he block nose, so i followed him out of the chalet go walk walk and buy hot milo... at 4+ am... LOL, quite nice lor~ errr, then went back, like quite a lot of ppl woke up, then we sat down there talk talk, then i took out my comp, did a bit of dactyl stuff, finished MOI, then starting to blast emo songs, haha, then everyone hear, damn nice mah (:, so a lot fell asleep, then i doing the dactyl stuff halfway, at 5 bah, finaaly fell asleep (: YAY, emo song ftw~ then everyone zonk out, then i suddenly woke up at 6+ =.=, fml man... then i continued doing the dactyl stuff... and then most people started to wake up, then we just pack up and check out at 10am, then supposedly have to stone till 2pm for the next chalet check-in, then they guys go strip at the pool -.-, then so me and cheryl go prp cycle lor~, then cycle cycle cycle, i saw yi hui there, then i think i damn tired so i bang into a lightpost -.- LOL, then i think i awake liao~, HAHA, then went back home, go fb see see blahblahblah then fell asleep in front of comp and woke up 1hr ago on the bed (: haha win (Y), i slept like 12hours? and i missed dinner D:, haiz... now, shall finish up moi and send to ma'am and err POLISH MY BOOTS for later's cca.. HAVENT MUG YET SIA. I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO THAT AT 9PM LAST NIGHT -.- oh ya and sry for the 11.11 convos for 2 nights D: hifff, too tired lerh... 
